Rendezvous
14 October 08 : 01.10 AM
I've always known that I had integrity. I always knew right from wrong, I knew the things I needed to do and the things I shouldn't do. Everyone knew that, so everyone trusted me. Both Dani and Helme trusted me. The boy that I was with for 2 years, the closest thing to me ever, can testify that. He says he has never known anyone as obstinately firm about the right values as I was. And for the longest time, I was.
Then what happened? Could I have done it any other way? No, I don't know, yes, maybe. Why didn't I do it any other way? I don't know I don't know. I did what I thought was best. I did the best I could. I did it so I didn't have to hurt anyone. I did it so nobody gets hurt. I never wanted to hurt anyone. But like Angel said, it is the best in my own terms. So it was selfish. In my selfishness, I hurt Helme. Joseph too, said, you thought about your family, about Dani, about yourself. Helme came last. Is that being selfish too?
When the threats finally materialized, I was numb. I didn't read the messages my dad sent. I cried because everything is fucked up. Everything important to me, this 3 months or long before, it's all fucked up now. The people I grew to love would all be mad at me.
Why'd you take all those bromazepam pills? Helme said I was a childish fuck. An attention seeking childish fuck. I wanted to say, you don't know how it feels to be me right now. To be trembling with tears and anxiety. You try to fucking deal with this. You try to have the person you love reprimand you derisively, and look at you with such contempt and hardness. He's a stranger. A stranger.
Airell said I had to be blamed. I deserved everything that happened. He loves me, but I deserve it. Leave everything. Leave Helme, leave Dani, find Vicki. Find Vicki.
How can I still blame Dani? I say, if you wanted to break Helme and I up, why hurt others in the meantime? Why make it a problem of 7 when it only involves 2? I cried in bed the whole day. I hate you, Dani. I hate what you have done. You spoilt everything that was important to me. But he says, I'm sorry. Whatever is done is done. It was wrong what I did, but I had my reasons.
One of the worst things was being told how great a girl I used to be. Used to be. Dani said if I were still half the girl I used to be, he'd want me back in a trice. That for 2 years he saw the best of me but something changed. For 2 years I stayed the most amazing girl he has ever met. Where is Vicki now? Helme. The last thing he said to me was, that he used to think I was perfect in every way, but then, he made a wrong judgment. He now has to do what he has to do, which is to cut me out of his life. For all it's worth, he was crazy about me.
The high dosage of pills got me woozy not walking straight not talking right for 2 days. He tells me please don't do this. You need to be strong. It's over. Everything is over. You need to be strong. I want fluoxetine now, please give me fluoxetine. Sandi said no, Vicki, no you can't have them. Be strong now, and do this yourself.
Sleep in our room tonight, my daddy said. You can't be alone right now. I took my pillow like a child and went up to their room. But Dani's not a bad person. Perhaps if I had handled this better maybe things wouldn't be like this. He asked, why do you still care how I feel? I know you have nothing but contempt for me. I said, because at the end of the day, I still care for you. But you hate me. I have no capacity for hate. I have no capacity to beg. I have no capacity for anything. I just want to sleep.