Rendezvous
27 October 06 : 06.37 AM
It's nights like this that overwhelm me. I have Arcade Fire's Funeral on repeat. It's almost 6am. I woke up to #4 and I can't fall asleep again.
After I spoke to Kerri last night, I had this strange disconcerting feeling I can't understand. Maybe it was us, talking about the future, talking about childhood that brought about this strange detachment. Then it must be the music. Music always dictates the mood.
I'm not studying not trying, so I don't know where I can go after this. If I had the grades, I'd be certain, so maybe I wouldn't feel this way. Maybe I can start working. For a while. I've told Andii I wanted to leave here, go somewhere, anywhere maybe. But she tells me maybe I should, then I'd know that I never really wanted to. She told me, weeks ago, I don't know how badly she wants to stay, now that she has to move out. Maybe I'd learn. Especially for someone like me, who cried as a child when I had to go to school because I felt scared too easily. Like I was in a strange place. Maybe I never stopped being scared, I just know how to deal with it better now. Maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe... that makes ten 'maybes' in this paragraph.
It's not a lover I want no more
And it's not heaven I'm pining for
But there's some spirit I used to know
That's been drowned out by the radio
I like this halt.
I don't like this emotional bullshit. Laughable and contemptible. It's all in the mind (and the music).