Rendezvous
14 November 04 : 03.17 AM
Cliff told me he'd found the card I'd given to him before. It dated 10th October 2003. I vaguely remember it to be along the lines of "I have fallen in love with you."
"That is bullcrap if I'd ever heard any. And he bought that? He's as dense as you." Mirz reprimanded.
You see, it (love) used to be such a precious word, that one would not throw around to people you shake hands or exchange glances with. Why did I put the word love in the parenthesis when I could easily just erase the pronoun and just write 'love'? It just doesn't seem right to say that "love used to be such a precious word", as oppose to "it used to be such a precious word." Do you get my drift? Doesn't matter.
I used to say to those who professed their love for me, "There is nothing for you to, and contrariwise."
Of all of those people, I'd only believed 2. Pathetic, isn't it? To have I-Love-Yous flung at you like sand on the beach, only 2 were believable enough. I used to think it said a lot about the Y-chromosomes, but then I came to a realisation that it was actually not them, but me.
It only meant that I cannot hold on to anyone's love. The only person blameworthy is me.
Quoting Edwin, love shouldn't be a word you say to just about anyone you become attached to (not even one you fuck, or one you hold hands and kiss passionately)... unless you feel like you mean it.
Sincerely, I agree with his words. I had a hard time believing Jon initially because all those girls he'd "loved", he ditched them without contrition, or ever looking back. So I was better off than them in the end; he'd love me. But what does it matter now that it's all over and done? Just fragments of memories I can barely recall.
Anyway, to evade hard questioning and guilt (yes I do feel that), I employed the skill of tergiversation. I simply say, "I know I can love you." A 3 out of 3 successful attempts. They believed I'd fallen in love.
It's political. You say words to please someone and it makes that person like you better, they get a shot of egotism boost. The person is happy, you are happy, everybody is happy. No one loses. "Words are cheap."
In actuality, it's people like us who made the words cheap. But that's another story for another day.
So "love" is a four letter word.
Of course, there are times when I love yous are more than just words.
Like when I wake up happy and start screaming down the hallway, "Mommy!! I love you!!" and hearing her reply, "Love you too, baby." When I tell Drey how precious she is to me, and her telling me, "You're a true friend. And I have you in my heart. Always!"
No, it's never, and I repeat, never, friends like Sam, Sandy, Sylvia and the likes. Friends that look you up when they want to go out and have fun, go clubbing, go partying, never sharing with them anything more than what appears on the surface, friends that you think are the vainest pots who never pass a reflection without stopping to take a look, and friends that you think are, well, the most mentally incompetent people alive.
No, I must have lied telling them I love them. Yet, they're still people I call friends. They're nice people, really. The problem lies with me. In them I don't find true friendships, and probably don't want to; humility is a trait that is very very necessary, and they just don't have that. They can only be people I hang out with now, but never people I can grow up to share breast-feeding secrets with.
Oh no, don't get me wrong. I'm not the most modest of people you'll ever meet (I'm just not narcisstic to the extreme). I am opinionated, I am outspoken, prideful and sometimes boastful (who isn't boastful at times?). There are a handful of girls I'm in love with; they're beautiful girls with hearts of gold. Girls like Drey, Ruby, Kim, Jules, Nicole, Kerry and so on.
Well, these are the days of our lives.
"God, do you know approximately how many people are raped around the world each day?"
"How many? No, wait, don't tell me."
"You live in denial. Coincidentally, the most moronic track from Black Eyed Peas is playing on the radio." he mused.
"Where is the love?"
"What else could it have been?"
"It could have been any other song on their album. The world's fucked."
"The dictionary."
"What about the dictionary?"
"It's the only thing sane left in the world."
"Have tomatoes gone insane?"
"Now, that must have been a joke."
"Shut up. I guess you're right. Did you know that in the dictionary, it has never stated that making love involves love? It's just an act of copulation."
"It's been all in the mind, this love bullshit."
"Sadly." I sighed.
Maybe not so sadly after all.